You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
