Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
