we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
