Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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