you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
