Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
My dick has a subreddit
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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