"it" just moved
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I am naked and annoyed.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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