Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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