you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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