Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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