Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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