saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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