i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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