i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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