i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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