i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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