And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
It's shark week go big or go home
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
