She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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