YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
