I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
