remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
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