Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
