I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
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