i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
