last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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