Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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