I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
