My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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