but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
