thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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