i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
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