Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
