the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Randomize