If you die in college, do you die in real life?
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
