what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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