shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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