if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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