Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
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