The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
