her vagine was all disorganized.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
