omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
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