she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
The best revenge is premature balding
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
