if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
