so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
