Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
