He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
