He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
