Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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