Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
