I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
