I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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