you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Who wears a wallet chain?!
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
