he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I could fuck to npr.
Randomize
