My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
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