Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Mom said you looked used
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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