I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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